Chester has been with us, on this side of the womb, for 1 month. Once upon a time we saw this smooshie face on the ultrasound...
And now we get to see it in person daily!
But I feel I have to admit to something...
We were going to wait until the birth, as we did with Arthur, to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. At our 20 wk appointment, we had the tech write the gender in a card we brought & seal it up. She added the flair of putting a picture of the baby's genitals in too.
Ryan was adamant that there was no need to look. I was the one who was tempted. I kinda wanted to know!
We didn't last long... About three weeks later, our friends Jon & Margot let us in on the news from their scan- they were having a boy! Before bed that night, Ryan asked if we should open the envelope- I couldn't resist the proposal! So we did:
A boy?! We were surprised. Ryan smiled, this would be fun, a perfect little buddy for Arthur. "Wow. Huh." I said. Then my face got all scrunchie as I began to cry. Another boy? I, we, had been so sure it would be a girl this time. We tried all the tricks before getting pregnant. I'd felt SO sick, so different, than my pregnancy with Arthur. I had many dreams of it being a girl, one in which I saw her face & even called her by name (we were going to name her Maewynn). And there was that dream I had ages ago, before Kevin & Katja's wedding: in the dream we were looking at photos from their wedding & there was one of the whole Bass family, a little girl said "hey, where am I?", to which I replied, you weren't born yet sweetie.
So I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried in hysterics, the way I've cried at funerals. Great, heaving sobs. I guess it was kind of like a funeral... I was grieving the loss of a girl I always had dreamed of but would never have.
I would never get to dress a daughter. I would never get to do her hair. I wouldn't get to teach her about shaving her legs, getting her period, wearing make up, taking birth control... I would never get to be the mother of the bride. And have a daughter to be close with, to call often & gab on the phone with. To be there for her first pregnancy & help her with her first baby.
What would I do now with all those toys I saved from my childhood? The Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake characters, & my American Girl doll & all her accessories? The stuffed animals? The favorite shirts from my youth? My wedding dress?
And you may know that I like to shop. For clothes. It's quite an addiction. I would never get to shop for a daughter in the little girls section of the store. Go back to school shopping with her. Set a girls day at the mall to wander the stores hunting for bargains. Have you noticed how different the boys clothing offerings are in comparison to the variety of girls choices? Here are some examples...
Old Navy:
Boys-
Girls-
The Gap:
J.Crew:
This one really kills me-
Not that I'd spend that much on a girls outfit, or that my daughter would actually want to wear such a complicated outfit, but seriously, look how much cuter the options are- a tiny bombers jacket vs a striped Henley? Boys get checked button downs, polos, jeans & graphic tees. And from my experience so far, it's really just elastic waist pants & tee shirts that Arthur will wear.
But the clothing is a surfacey, shallow lament. Let's get to the real underlying issue. Obviously, saving all these things since childhood means that I always kind of thought I'd have a girl someday. And with this pregnancy, I almost expected that I'd get that wish.
I didn't realize how much stock I had put in that wish until now, when it became evident it'd never be my reality...
Me, the mother of boys?! I'll be outnumbered. Even our cats are boys. I'm not the most lady-like but I'm still a rather feminine gal. I don't like sports. Penis talk gets old. There's only so much interest I can feign for planes, trains, & automobiles. Boys grow up to be stinky, sweaty teens who eat you out of house & home, all while becoming more & more distant from their mothers. I know these are all stereotypes. Cultural expectations of boys in our society. But... but... but...
These things ran through my head as I cried. The tears continued off & on that week. I kinda freaked Ryan out, I was so unexpectedly sad.
I did some internet searching & found stories of moms in the same boat. I read comments from moms of boys that were positive & encouraging (also came across some terrible, less supportive suggestions, ie have another baby & keep trying for that girl). I let my mom in on our secret & my sadness & she, as she always does, lifted my spirits with support & advice.
The take home messages that resonated with me? Boys love their mamas deeply & can have a very special, sometimes protective bond with them. Boys are considered easier to raise by some as they are often less moody/emotional than girls. Having two boys means instant playmate & lifelong friends. I'm already envisioning bunk beds. As a mama of boys it is my job to teach them that women are beautiful inside & out, must be respected & treated well, and hopefully my example may result in the choice of a wonderful daughter-in-law that I can connect with someday.
While I'm still sad and have some remaining grief over never having a girl, that is compartmentalized completely seperately from the happiness & joy I feel in welcoming Chester, watching Arthur love on him, & our dreams for the future. I wouldn't trade our little Chestnut for the world!
I'm so glad we opened the envelope when we did to allow me to get to this place of peace before he arrived. What I didn't realize is what liars it would make us out to be.
We didn't really want to share the gender with others. And we'd told so many people already that we planned to wait until the birth. We also told many people that we had the gender sealed in an envelope. I can't tell you how many people asked if we knew the gender. Some were strangers. The standard answer was "we're waiting...". It wasn't exactly a lie- we're waiting to find out or were waiting to tell others- it was a safe, vague dodge. I didn't feel too guilty about this one.
Then there were the acquaintances. People I might be in contact with longer than a minute in a checkout line, therefore there was time for more questions- "you're waiting? Oh I couldn't do that, I'd want to know! Do you have any guesses? Have you had dreams either way? [and the one that I really struggled with] What are you hoping it is: a boy or girl?!" The dreams stopped once we knew the truth & it hurt to admit I'd hoped for a girl when I knew I was carrying a boy.
Finally there were the friends & family whom we'd have extended contact with. The questions would dig deeper, the dialogues would last longer. Some would probe frequently (Nina) & I'd try not to squirm as I scrambled for responses that didn't paint me in to a corner.
I hated lying so often! Eventually we began to slowly leak the news, letting in family & select friends on the truth. It seems so many were convinced we MUST be having a girl (it seemed odds were we would) that maybe they benefited from this time to adjust to the idea too!
Anyway, I'm sorry if I lied to you. We were just "waiting" till we were ready to share the news.
You know something that makes me REALLY excited about having a boy? That Margot & Jon are having a boy too, any day now. That means these boys will be a month or two apart while our older boys are just three months apart. It's just simply perfect & makes me very happy. Margot & I are already talking about our girls retreats when we need a dose of estrogen.
This is also really sweet:
http://www.babble.com/kid/what-it-really-means-to-be-a-little-boys-mama/
And who knows? Maybe one of my boys will love animals, want their nails painted & will be excited about being a snazzy dresser. As long as they love their dear mama & I can learn to be a good mom to boys.
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