Motherhood: Revisited

flying arthur!

 I've been a mama for almost 1/2 a year now. Wow- that's hard to believe!

Time is moving so fast, while also moving so slow...

I had written a blog about how difficult our start was, the need for recovery & how complicated motherhood is.  I'd like to write a little updated response...

I might not feel "mature" & "all grown up" yet but I've developed a routine for my son, narrate my day, keep him clean, read him books & sing him songs. I can clip Arthur's nails without either of us wincing. I can read his cues & better anticipate his needs. I've swept & mopped the floor & scrubbed the tub. I can load us up & out the door on my own.  I can nurse in public without feeling like a sweaty, flustered juggling mess. I'm back to my habit of playing the role as organizer, only this time I'm getting together with other moms & their babes.

And what's the harm in wearing my unwashed hair in pigtails & dreaming of theme park rides if my sons needs are more than taken of? I selfishly got that trench & a new pair of TOMS for myself. But I also bought Arthur some clothes, books & a Jellycat bear. I'm still napping with him & wading through laundry but these are things I enjoy (I love putting away his tiny clothes!). I've had practice obtaining things for "my son" and it feels good to call him that. Similar to when I first called Ryan "husband". I definitely feel like his "wife" now so I imagine it will sink in that I'm also "mom". 

I don't cry as much now & more moments are filled with laughter or deep loving sighs.

Ryan & I used to crash each night after he had gone to bed & say "What  are we doing? "Why did we sign up for this?" I admit I even had a month or two there when someone would announce they were pregnant &

I'd think "Oh no! What have you done! Run while you still can!!!" But now that we're out of the fog, I can happily celebrate again & now Ryan & I collapse on the couch at night & say "he is just so cute!" "how lucky are we to have the cutest baby the world has ever known?". (I know there are many cute babies in the world. However it is our right as parents to believe he is the cutest (at least top 10% :) )

the cutest

There will always be never ending tasks to complete. There will always be something to worry about. I'm never going to "know it all"- no one ever does. I'm not yet of the caliber of my mom or mother-in-law, but I'm doing alright.

Now that I'm busy, packing our schedule with events & activities, life doesn't feel so redundant (sleep, change, feed...). We get out of the house, Arthur has varied interests & moods & we're both  learning something new every day.

I'm still waiting to feel like what I thought it would feel like to be a mom. But I don't know that I ever will feel the way I view other moms. Because I'm not a totally different person- I'm still Olivia, with a new job description. I simply updated my resume.

Mom's Group Graduation

Of course now that I'm feeling more established everything is going to change. I'm going back to work. And folks, I am not looking forward to it.

Don't get me wrong, I like my job. But I don't like the idea of leaving Arthur. I'm leaving him in the capable hands of my husband but I still have worries. What if I miss something? What if he forgets about me? What if I become jealous of Ryan & Arthur's developing relationship? What if my milk supply changes? What if I have trouble finding space & time to pump? What if I'm too tired to be productive during the day? What if I can't remember how to do my job?!?

Sigh. I know everything will settle after the first few days or weeks. I'll get into a routine. Everything will be fine. I just have to get past the dread on the Sunday before, setting my alarm, waking to it, getting ready & saying goodbye to my warm snugly boys who will inevitably still be in bed, make the drive & walk to my desk. Then hopefully everything will fall in to place.

But I'm sure going to miss my little boy.

I do have my necklace.

I had a necklace made on etsy. It has Arthur's name on it, as well as a little egg in a nest. It reminded me of this:

our homemade wedding cake toppers

& this:

one of our maternity/holiday photos

I thought it could be a way to take him with me. 

The sweetest part is that he likes to play with it while nursing.

It's hard to believe how crazy I am about this little person. I love him more & more each day! I look at pictures of him when he was newly born, when he was weeks old, even photos from last week & think "Nope! I love THIS (today's) Arthur more".